Time

Just a few lyrics from Pink Floyd's "Time"

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way....

...You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines...
The time is gone, the song is over...

When my brother was in the ICU after having just had his cancerous kidney taken out that he wanted to go see a Pittsburgh Steelers game before he died. (His cancer had metsed to his lungs)
I had rolled that idea around in my head, with every intention of taking my brother to a game this season.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
I had asked a couple of friends in Phoenix to hook me up with tickets.
They were in the process of scrounging them up, which, I have no doubt would have succeeded.
Today I sat down at the computer to check on airline and hotel prices.
Man, I found some very satisfactory prices.
With the "Reserve Tickets" button right in front of me I thought I'd call him and tell him the good news.
I kept trying to call him, but got no answer.
I tried my mom on her cell phone...went directly to voice mail...very unusual for her.
I tried several times on the home phone..nothing...
Then my sister called in a panic and said, "Sheyn is having a heart attack and the Ambulance is here"

WTF?
He's 36!
This is not happening!
They're mistaken!
No, it's true...

I know the cardiac arrest statistics.
I know the likely etiology of his cardiac arrest and that complicates things further...
Due to my vocation I know what the scene looked like....
I know that the prognosis is grim...but I also know that God is great and that Jehovah Raphah heals. I know that God holds time and life in His hands.

There, with the reservations window up,... my brother dies.
He was only 36.

Timing is everything, isn't it?
Is this cruel irony?
I never even got the chance to tell him.
How twisted.
Despite what the enemy tries to whisper in my ear, God is not cruel.
He is faithful.
God has a time for everything.

Ecclesiastes 3

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 4

2 And I declared that the dead,
who had already died,
are happier than the living,
who are still alive.

My brother was dying of cancer. Kidney cancer which metastasized to Lung Cancer.
Lung cancer, which is a particularly cruel form of cancer.
He had a slow and painful death to look forward to.
We all assumed he had time.
He was so fearful of dying slowly and painfully.
Well, God is merciful and loving so He took Sheyn quickly.

Now instead of wasting away he is now in a new, healed, whole glorified body.
He's with Grandma and Grandpa.
He's with my dad.
He's with our brothers who died as babies that none of us have ever met.
More importantly he's with Christ.
He is basking in the presence of the creator of the universe.

Even so,
I'm reeling grief, in the sudden loss of my brother.
My heart hurts for my mother and sister who had to witness his death.
I cannot even fathom what my brother in law is going through having been the one to have been doing CPR. It's physically, spiritually and emotionally exhausting. He tried hard and I imagine there are so many things going through his mind.

It's surreal.
It's hard to comprehend that he's dead.
Did he really know how much I loved him?
Does anyone really know how much we love them?
How many times did I have that little voice tell me to call him, text him, e-mail him...
I'm busy, I have time...
and yet...
he's gone.


Oh, I really don't know what to say.
I feel numb.
I feel like I've cried more than I knew I could, but the tears keep coming.
So many people are calling with their support, which brings the emotions up again.
Yet, in between phone calls I'm blogging
and crying
It's OK
It's somewhat cathartic.

I miss my little brother.

With My Brother Sheyn Joseph Inclán (Right) (8/13/71 to 9/9/06)